Leon Vs Pueblo
by The Demon Phoenix
Summary: Low on ammunition and ambushed by a mob of villagers, Government Agent Leon Kennedy must get creative or face the sharp end of a pitchfork... Divided into chapters due to length.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer: Resident Evil 4 and all of the characters and items in that game belong to Capcom and it's respected owners. They don't belong to me (this goes for chapter two as well).**

**A/N: I just wanted to say that there may be some slight spoilers for anyone who hasn't played Resident Evil 4, especially in the concluding chapter. So if you haven't played the game, you have been warned. Anyway, enjoy! And please give me feed back and constructive criticism if you have any!**

**Leon Vs Pueblo**

---

It was early dawn. The cold chill of late fall had long since clamed the once vibrant colors of the small village of Pueblo and turned it a deathly gray. Everything had seemed this way, from the dying grass that took on a shade of brown to the withering trees that no longer produced leaves and the overwhelming silence that filled a certain farm in a deafening void of nothingness...

Nothingness that was soon shattered by the girlish screams and the hasty footsteps of a man with blond hair and a bomber jacket who ran quickly by.

"Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!" He came and went, his voice fading away as he ducked into a barn.

Silence again it seemed. For a while the uneasy peace of Pueblo had returned. However, the peace was short lived. Angry shouts filled the area, belonging to a mob made up of twelve Pueblo villagers. The group stormed past the farm with torches raised and pitchforks in hand. It appeared they were looking for the man who had just ran by.

"_Where is that punk!_" One of the torch carrying villagers, the leader of the mob, rhetorically shouted at the top of his lungs in his native language.

"_I don't know,_" A woman who had been standing next to the villager shouted in response, pointing over to the barn the blond man had ducked into. "_over there!_"

"_Why are we shouting if we're standing next to each other!" _A third villager shouted.

"_Why are we carrying torches if it's day time!" _

"_I'm really hungry, can we just go home!" _

"_No!" _The other eleven shouted and with that the mob suddenly quieted down.

"_I think Victoria is right, he must have ducked into that barn._" The leader pointed over to the barn and cautiously the rest of the mob began to make their way towards the building.

---

"Crap." Government agent Leon Kennedy leaned over far enough to catch a glimpse of the mob running towards the barn entrance. "What am I going to do!"

Suddenly a fatherly voice echoed behind him. "A peaceful solution is what this situation needs. Try talking it over with them."

Leon turned and snarled. "Oh shut up, Obi Wan. No body likes you."

Sniffing, the ghost of Obi-Wan hung his head and walked away quietly.

"Now..." Leon began, slowly raising to his feet and eyeing the approaching mob from the shadows, his trusty Blacktail grasped tightly in his gloved hands. "What would Sam Fisher do in this situation?"

---

"_THERE HE IS!_" The villagers storm into the barn, eyes flaring with anger as they fall on Sam Fisher.

"YOU SEE NOTHING!" Sam throws a bottle in a wide arch, it hits the far wall and shatters upon impact.

"_What the hell was that!_" They all turned to face the far wall.

"Haha. Sam Fisher wins again." Sam turns and makes a run for it. He, however, trips mid-run and lands face first in a bear trap.

"AAUUGGGHHH! My perfectly sculpted rugged and hardened military facial features! I am RUINED! Now they'll have to get someone qualified!"

**Meanwhile...**

"Good... good." Solid Snake rubbed his hands together, a gamecube controller resting on the couch next to him.

"You really need to stop killing Sam Fisher, Snake. It's just a game."

"Go back to having sex with your stepmother, Otacon. She misses you." Snake snarled.

Otacon burst into tears and ran crying from the room.  
_  
--- _

"It's perfect." Leon nodded, grabbing a conveniently placed empty bottle that was in the corner. Now all he had to do was wait...

Less than a moment later the villagers stormed into the barn, turning almost instantly to face Leon. "_THERE HE IS!_"

"You see nothing!" Leon flung the bottle with all his might. Unfortunately, his aim was never as good as Fisher's.

The bottle soared through the air and struck the leader of the mob in the face.

CRACK!

"_OH MY GOD! MY FACE!" _The bottle thudded against the ground, but not before breaking the leader's nose. The other villagers gasped at the sudden attack. "_IT BURNS WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS!" _

Leon's eyes widened as the villagers all slowly turned their attention to him again. Even the man with the broken nose looked up, an intense anger burning in his blood covered face.

He wasted no time in making a run for it.

"Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!"

"_After him!_" The all turned and began chasing Leon.

In the back Leon noticed a ladder that lead up to the next floor of the barn. Seeing as there wasn't anywhere else to go, he would have to take that route. Making his way to the ladder, Leon grabbed a cow and threw it to the ground in hopes to slow the villagers down.

"MOOO."

"Take that!" Leon smirked, beginning his climb up the ladder.

They all simply stepped over the fallen cow.

"Dammit." He spat, looking half way down the ladder. "I remember a time when no one could climb over obstacles!"

---

**_Racoon City, 1998._**

_"At last! I can see salvation!" Leon reached the end of the street, behind him an army of zombies approached._

_"Haha! YOU LOSE!" He turned in an odd circle, pointing a finger at the slow moving wave of undead._

_Another counter-clockwise turn brought Leon to face salvation, he than ran as fast as he could. "Haha! Only a matter of time now!"_

_Unfortunately he wasn't moving in any direction. "What? What's going on!"_

_He stopped running in place and looked down. "NOOO! Damn these ankle-high planks set obtrusively in the middle of the street!"_

_Leon then turned again to face the zombies who were now practically right on top of him. "What! NOOOOO!"_

---

Leon brought up a hand to wipe away a stray tear. "Ah. Nostalgia."

_"Hurry! Up here!" _A female villager flung a pitchfork that narrowly missed Leon.

"Oh crap!" Leon scrambled up the ladder, bringing himself to the second floor of the building.

Once up there he turned to face the mob who stood on the first floor. His raised his hands it triumph. "Its over! I have the high ground!"

A hatchet flew from the first floor and hit Leon between the eyes. "OH MY GOD! THE PAIN!"

The hatchet clattered to the floor, Leon successful in wrenching the weapon free from his forehead with only a slight whimper. "Well at least they can't climb ladders."

Sure enough, the villagers began to climb up after Leon.

"Dammit! These people are like GODS! I hate the gamecube!"

"_The gamecube is a fine system!"_ One of the villagers shouted as they neared the top of the ladder.

"_Shigeru Miyamoto is a GENIOUS!" _

"Oh shut up." Leon ran over and kicked the ladder, it fell backwards and three villagers that were climbing hit the ground with a loud thud, the others quickly jumped out of the way.

"Now." Leon turned and grabbed his side, slightly limping towards the back wall as blood poured freely from the hatchet-sized hole in the middle of his head. "Where can I find a green plant?"

Suddenly, he noticed a laptop that sat on a desk in the corner, the website on the computer was ebay. "Ahah!"

He then picked up the laptop and flung it with all his might into a cabinet next to the desk. It smashed open, revealing a green herb. "I knew these things were good for something."

"WILL YOU TAKE THE GREEN HERB? YES. NO."

Leon's eyes widened, his hand edging away from the herb. "Who the hell said that?"

After a long moment of silence Leon shrugged and picked up the green herb. "Ah the healing can now begin."

Reaching into a pocket of his bomber jacket Leon grabbed a roll of duct tape. The green herb was then placed over his forehead, directly on top of the large wound in his head that still gushed blood. Then, with his left hand he began to wrap the tape around the length of his head, keeping the herb directly on the wound. Once this was done the tape was cut and the roll was returned to his pocket. "Much better."

"Now, the killing can BEGIN!" Grabbing his Blacktail handgun again, Leon turned to face the area where he had just came--

And came face-to-face with the leader of the mob, his face covered in dark red blood.

"JUMPIN' JESUS!" Leon shrieked, jumping nearly out of his skin and backing up against the broken cabinet.

With wide eyes, Leon took aim at the leader's face with the Blacktail, gritted his teeth and pulled the trigger.

BAM!

"_SWEET JESUS!" _The leader stumbled from the impact of the bullet, nearly dropping to one knee, and held his face in pain.

"_Bob!" _The woman from earlier, Victoria, shrieked, flanking the leader's right side.

"Gah!" Leon gave a shriek of his own as the woman approached, pulling the trigger a second time, the bullet striking the woman in the thigh.

"_IT BURNS!" _The woman sunk to the floor, falling hard on her knees.

"You see! This is what happens when you mess with a GOVERNMENT AGENT!" Leon laughed and raised the gun again, turning to aim at the leader's stomach.

"Hasta luego!"

Click.

"!" Leon froze, hearing the resounding noise of an empty gun. The leader had already recovered from the face wound and was on Leon a second time.

Leon's eyes widened.

Click click click.

Nothing. The Blacktail was empty.

Leon backed up further, narrowly avoiding a swipe by the leader, his back firmly pressed against the broken cabinet. "How did it run out so fast!"

Just then, as if in answer to his question, a voice scolded him from the right. "You see? You should have gotten a Red9. The Blacktail is inferior to the Red9 because the Red9 is more powerful. The Blacktail can fire faster and holds a higher capacity but this will only mean that you will run out of bullets faster. And the amount of bullets you will need for the Blacktail means that the weapon technically takes up more space than the Red9."

"SHUT THE HELL UP." Leon turned and flung the empty Blacktail at the Red9 fan boy who appeared out of no where. "Everyone knows it's a matter of preference."

The butt of the gun slammed into the boy's head, his body knocked back from the attack and crashed through the window where he landed on a ledge outside.

_An exit!_ Leon's mind raced as he scrambled out of the grasp of the quickly surrounding mob and towards the window. However, when his eye caught the sight of something sleek, black, and slightly broken he stopped in his tracks.

Reaching down, Leon scooped up the laptop he used to open up the cabinet, spun on his heel, and nimbly chucked the computer on Victoria, who had ran directly in front of the leader.

_CRRAACCK. _

The object shattered as it collided with her head, a massive spray of blood and gore exploding outward as her stalky body tumbled and fell off the second floor. The loud thump of her body hitting the ground below echoed through the barn.

Eleven.

"_Victoria!" _A member of the mob shouted, giving Leon the ample time to rush to the window and jump out, landing squarely on the fan boy's head outside.

Crunch!

Looking about his surroundings (which wasn't much) Leon attempted to locate a weapon he could use to thwart the ensuing mob. But what?

"Use the heart of the caaarrdds!" A voice echoed in is mind, a voice from his past.

"Stupid grandpa, always mumbling some weird stuff in his sleep." Leon made a strange face as he turned to his left--

And saw a deck of playing cards sitting on a cheap blue table complete with two wooden chairs (why these things were sitting on the ledge of a barn remained to be seen). "Hm."

"_Hurry!" _A voice shouted close by.

Leon wasted no time upon hearing the villagers. Rushing to the table, the government agent picked up the deck of cards in his hands and turned. Just in time to see a member of the village mob, a balding man with suspenders, leap through the window and land on the body of the fan boy.

"How about a game of cards!" Leon shuffled the deck once and quickly began to fling the cards at the balding man.

The man raised his arm, the first two cards (joker and two of clubs) struck his forearm. It took five more cards at the man's arm to lower his defenses.

"_Augh! Paper cut!"_ The balding man's left arm drooped to his side, his right hand clasped over the tiny cut. "_It stiiinnggss."_

"Now it's time to finish this!" Leon growled, flinging the rest of the cards off the side of the ledge as he ran at the balding man.

Once close enough, Leon then reached into his pocket for the roll of duct tape from before. He pulled out a piece of tape about two inches long.

"_What are you doing!"_ The villager's eyes widened as Leon approached with the duct tape in his hands

"Feel the FURY!" He growled, slapping the tape on the man's eyebrows. "The ANGUISH of wax-victims EVERYWHERE!"

Leon then ripped the tape off the man's face, taking his eyebrows with him.

"_AIIEEE!" _The balding man dropped to the floor in absolute pain.

Ten.

He didn't have time to celebrate, however, because as soon as the balding man sunk to the floor the image of the rest of the villagers came into view.

"_Leave Gulliroy."_ One villager rumbled, the rest taking their time to step over poor Gulliroy, the man without eyebrows.

"Damn." Leon ran in the opposite direction of the mob, bounding over the table and chairs and leaping off the ledge completely, landing in a small section of land enclosed by a fence.

"_He has no where to run!"_ A villager shouted, knocking the table and chairs off the side.

"_We have him now."_

As soon as his feet touched the ground the young government agent scrambled for something, anything, that he could use.

His hand grazed something stick like in nature, perhaps a blunt object he could use. "Ahah!"

The sounds of villagers footsteps were near, angry shouts getting louder and the sound of crunching grass echoing near by.

"Take this!" Leon swung around, slamming the body of a chicken into the face of a man in a hat and jacket.

"_Ow!" _The villager grumbled, holding his head. _"That hurt!"_

Leon grimaced, looking at his 'weapon'. He was holding the leg of a chicken who was obviously pre-occupied with flapping it's wings and getting the hell out of Leon's grasp.

Letting the chicken go, Leon grabbed the man's hat and pulled it down over his eyes.

"_What the hell!"_ The man shouted, feeling around for Leon who had quickly ducked out of his reach, the man instead grabbing another villager in a green shirt who had attempted to sneak up behind Leon.

"_This is for hitting me with a chicken!"_ The man with the hat over his eyes kicked the man in the green shirt right in the crotch.

FWUMP!

The green shirted man squealed, holding his crotch and slamming into the ground.

Nine.

The man then pulled his hat off his head, his brown eyes falling on the falling form of his comrade. "_Oh no! I'm sorry Jean!" _

Suddenly, someone grabbed the hat from the villager's hands. The man turned instantly and came face to face with Leon, who was holding his hat.

"You know, Thomas. This hat is UGLY!" Leon read the name printed on the inside of the hat, shouted in disgust, and threw it to the floor and stomped on it.

"_NO!"_ Thomas dropped to his knees, gripping his head with his hands and slumping to the floor, dead.

Eight.

"Killed by the truth…" Leon said in pity, looking down upon Thomas.

"_Don't let him go!"_ The leader shouted, watching in semi-horror as the American took out Thomas_. "Surround him!"_

Leon's eyes widened as the villagers spread out into a very large semi-circle, backing the government agent against the gate behind him. He now had no where to run, no where to escape to. This was it.

"_It's over, American Scum!" _The leader approached Leon, a pitchfork held tightly in his hands, the middle point of it dangerously close to Leon's throat.

Leon gulped, his head pressed firmly against the gate with his eyes focused in fright on the pitchfork. "W-what did I ever do to you!" Leon shrieked.

The leader growled in disgust. _"You know damn well what you did, lousy American!"_

Leon shrieked, the pitchfork coming even closer to his throat. "I never did ANYTHING!"

_--Earlier--_

_"Ah, excuse me. Sir?" Leon approached the man tending to the fireplace, reaching into his pocket he withdrew a picture of the president's daughter Ashley Graham. "I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph?"_

_The man turned to face Leon and took a look at his picture. After a moment or two he spoke._ "Oh yes. I know her. She passed through Pueblo on vacation. I believe she might still be here, I can take her to you if you want."

_Leon immediately jumped back, his face turning into a mixture of shock and annoyance. Backing away from the man he lifted his hands,_ "Sorry to have bothered you."

"What are you talking about? You aren't bothering anyone. Please, sit, have a nice meal. We have lots of bread." _The man reached over to give Leon a friendly pat on the back, but missed entirely when Leon rolled backwards._

_Without wasting any time Leon withdrew his handgun and pointed it at the man's kneecaps. "Freeze. I said freeze you damn zombie!"_

"What? I just--"

_BAM!_

"OH DEAR GOD! THE PAIN IS SHEER MADNESS!" _The man hit the ground in a heap._

_"That will teach you, you damn zombie." Leon exhaled and holstered the handgun, making his way towards the man's body._

_Dropping to one knee Leon rolled the man over onto his back and then stopped. "He's not a zombie.."_

"Of course I'm not a zombie! Why would I be a--"

_"He's a TALKING zombie!" In fright Leon jumped to his feet and then proceeded to stomp on the mans head for five minutes until he was unconscious. "Finally. Evil has been vanquished!"_

_He then took the man's wallet. "I shall need evidence of what took place here."_

_Making his way to the next room where the stairs were; Leon noticed a small closet under the stairs. "Hmm I wonder what-- Oh my God."_

_Freezing, Leon's eyes fell on what had to be the biggest collection of bread he had ever seen. Bread. Everywhere bread. Delicious bread! "I shall need this for classified government sandwich making."_

_Leon then began to stuff his jacket with bread when the sound of voices filled the silence._

"Bob? Bob! Oh dear God, what happened?"

_"More zomphiees." His eyes wide, a piece of bread wedged in his mouth, Leon moved as fast as his legs could take him.. up the stairs and out the window._

"What the hell!" _The man who had rushed to Bob's aid jumped to his feet at the sight of movement.. but quickly returned to Bob's side when he began to stir._ "Bob, speak to me... BOB."

_Bob looked up at the man with pained eyes._ "Luce, Blond... man..."

"What? Blond? ... Bob? Bob? BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOBBBBBB!"

_---  
_

"_You killed Victoria's husband, Bob and stole his stock of delicious bread!"_ The leader, Luce, pulled the pitchfork back and lunged forward with it, attempting to strike Leon.

Seizing the moment, Leon ducked just as it slammed into the gate he had his back up against previously. With the pitchfork above his head Leon knocked it clean out of Luce's hands, the wooden and steel object flying high over the gate and landing on the other side.

"Now, you damn zombie, face the might of Leon in.." Leon edged towards the leader who's eyes were wide with shock, his hand grabbing the leader's hand in a lock-type formation. "THUMB WRESTLING."

"_What the hell! Oh no!"_ Luce shouted in surprise, narrowly avoiding Leon's thumb, the rest of the group looking on hushed.

The match lasted all of two minutes, Luce's attempts at pining Leon's thumb were valiant, but in the end the years of government thumb wrestling training allowed him to prevail.

"ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE!" Leon shouted in triumph, Luce putting his free hand over his eyes in defeat.

Letting go of Luce's hand Leon moved behind the leader of the mob who had fallen to his knees. Reaching down, Leon grabbed the waistband on the leader's underwear and pulled it as far as it would stretch, slapping the underwear on the leaders head.

"_MY WORLD IS AN ATOMIC WEDGIE!"_ Luce cried in anguish, falling over promptly_. "Bob.. I am truly sorry.."_

Seven.

"_He killed Luce!" _

"_He's done it again!"_

"_I didn't even know atomic wedgies were possible!"_

"_GET HIM!"_

"Hiya!" Leon reached into his pocket and sprung at a female villager near by, smacking her across the face with the loaf of bread he had been saving for later.

The woman stumbled from the hit, the other villagers springing into motion to aid her.

"Hutta!" Thwack! He hit her in the head again with the bread, this time she went down.

Six.

"_He is attacking with bread!"_ Leon turned to face another villager.

"Gulliroy!" His eyes widened as they came upon a man that looked exactly like Gulliroy. "You grew your eyebrows back!"

"_No. I am Gulliver. I am obviously a different man. Can you not tell from my beanie?"_ Gulliver pointed to his blue beanie he wore on his hat.

"I don't care if you're wearing a hat." Leon charged Gulliver, bread gripped tightly in his hand.

THWACK! POW! Leon smacked him around with the bread, but it was useless. Gulliver was invincible.

"How is this possible!" He questioned.

Gulliver grinned as he ripped the bread from Leon's hands and promptly ate it.

"_It is delicious." _

"Leon. His beanie gives him power, you must rid him of it!"

"I said GO AWAY Obi-Wan!" Leon growled, Obi-Wan jumping at the sudden outburst and running away.

"Ok, Mr. Beanie lets see you handle-- oh crap!" Gulliver took a large swipe with a hatchet at Leon's head who luckily dodged at the last minute.

The hatchet swung and collided with a wooden crate that had been behind Leon. CRACK.

Unfortunately for Gulliver some idiot accidentally put a snake in that crate.

"_Jesus! It's a snake!" _

"Gotcha." Leon said, grabbing Gulliver's beanie, just as the snake lunged for Gulliver.

"_AHH!"_ He and the snake collided and hit the ground with a dull thump.

Five.

The mob of five angrily approached Leon, who quickly found himself, again, backed up against the gate. Quickly, Leon came up with a plan.

He raised his arm and pointed off into the distance. "LOOK! It's Tony Danza."

"_Where!"_ One of the villagers demanded, all of them turning instantly in a desperate attempt to see their hero.

"_Tony Danza isn't here!"_ Another villager snarled in anger, moving back to face--

Nothing.

Leon was gone.

"_Where did he go?" _One of them asked, looking around the small enclosed area.

But it was of no use, Leon was no where to be found…

---

Concluded Next Chapter.


	2. Part II

**A/N: Again, just a warning before reading this chapter: there is a spoiler here for those of you who haven't played the game. You have been warned!**

**Leon Vs Pueblo**

**---**

It was dark, too dark to see. He believed he had been hiding under a stair case somewhere, but he wasn't sure. As soon as he had the chance back there, Leon ran.

Zip!

_What was that?_ Leon thought to himself, grabbing a match from his top pocket and lighting it, a yellowish-orange tint of the flame lighting the area.

"'Ello there, stranger!"

"Jumping Jesus!" Leon shrieked, dropping the match, the small flame going out instantly as it hit a slightly dirty tiled floor. As this happened, the lights in the room had turned on.

Leon was in a bathroom. Standing next to a man in a long overcoat with a hood and a violet bandana tied around his face.

"It's a Merchant!" Leon then froze, gasping slightly. "I hope this isn't Chris' Merchant."

"Who?"

"Er.. It doesn't matter." Leon rose to his feet. "I need to buy a weapon I can use on those villagers."

"Sure, stranger! Sure!" The Merchant gave a hearty laugh. "I have only the finest selection in weaponry."

"Do you have a shotgun?"

"Yes! I 'ave the finest 12 gauge, right 'ere!" The Merchant opened his large coat and withdrew the shotgun, which he then showed off to the impressed Leon. "O' course, you really wouldn't be needin' it, seeing as though the villagers are all dead."

Leon's eyes widened. "They are!"

The Merchant nodded his head. You couldn't see it, but he was smiling. "Yeah. Seems 'bout the time you were hidin' 'ere they all just went up and kicked the bucket!"

"Well, that's a load off my back." He said in relief, pretending to wipe the sweat off his forehead. "So I wont be needing the shotgun then."

"I suppose not." The Merchant returned the weapon to his coat and scratched his chin through the bandana. "O' course I _could _interest you in somethin' else.."

Leon crossed his arms. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"You seem to be hungry, stranger." The Merchant reached into his coat again. "Used that last of your bread to take out a villager, I hear… A shame. So I figured I'd interest you in a 'special' item."

"Let's see it." He nodded his head towards the Merchant.

"A sandwich, stranger!" The Merchant laughed, producing a turkey sandwich complete with lettuce, tomato, and with the crusts cut off! "Only 50 thousand!"

"I'll take it!" Leon said at once, in a fit of near-childish excitement.

"Heh heh heh. Thank you." The Merchant laughed, heartily accepting the money.

---

The door to the bathroom creaked open, Government Agent Leon S. Kennedy exiting the room with a broad smile on his face, a tasty looking turkey sandwich wedged between his teeth and hanging halfway down his chin.

Of course, that sandwich fell right out of his mouth (which had nearly hit the floor in surprise) when those hazel eyes of his fell on the sight of five angry villagers from earlier waiting for him, pitchforks and hatchets in hand.

"Excuse me one moment." Leon said to the villagers, turning around and entering back into the bathroom.

"'_Ello there, Stranger!"_

_POW!_

The door swung open and Leon stepped back out, cracking his knuckles in the process. "Let's finish this."

"_Oh. It will be finished, American." _Hissed one of the five villagers.

"Dammit!" Leon threw up his hands, obvious fed up with the villagers. "Can you please speak English already!"

"FINE!" The same villager shouted, in English. "It will be finished, American. But not by us!"

"Oh, then by who?" Leon crossed his arms, a slight smirk playing across his features.

THUMP.

"What the hell?" The noise made seemed to make the entire walls shake, Leon looking back and forth in confusion.

THUMP.

Again. Closer, this time.

Then, the five villagers parted. Massive hands, each the size of Leon's head shoved all of them to the side. A man easy twice the size of Leon stomped angrily forward to face Leon. His big bald head tilting down to look upon Leon like a small mischievous child, a look of utter annoyance and distaste filling his bearded features.

"Heh." Leon slowly gazed up at the man who looked back down upon him, a nervous smile crossing Leon's face as he idly scratched his arm. "Erm. You want an apology?"

POW!

Leon went flying like a rag doll, a devastating punch from the _massive _man sending him barreling past the door of the bathroom and right _through _the bathroom wall, an explosion of debris, wood and tile sent in all different directions as Leon hit the grass-covered ground outside, hard.

"Oof!" The wind had been knocked out of Leon, the man stepping through the hole in the bathroom and absolutely dominating Leon's view. Needless to say, things did not look good.

"Yeah! Kick his ASS Chief Mendez!"

"Can I have his jacket when you're done?"

The Chief ignored the villagers, lifting one gigantic foot off the ground, the sole of his boot about a foot away from Leon's face. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't paint the floor with the insides of your head."

"Uhm.." Leon looked over to the left for a brief moment. "You're ugly?"

FWUMP! The foot came down with Mendez' full power. However, Leon's head was not under the foot.

At the very last minute Leon rolled out of the way, quickly getting into a standing position and facing Mendez again. "Alright you big… man.. Gorilla.. Man.. Thing! You want some of this? Huh? HUH! YOU WANT--"

Apparently Leon didn't realize just how long Mendez' arms were. A right fist shot right out and knocked Leon square in the face.

"Auuugghh." Time seemed to move in slow motion as Leon's head snapped backwards, a long trail of saliva and blood exploding from his mouth.

The force of the blow caused Leon to stumble backwards, hasty footsteps kicking up some dirt as he regained his footing, quickly returning to a fighting position. "Alright, alright. That was a good shot but no way can you do that ag--"

POW.

Mendez's bald head came down like a massive boulder, slamming into the top of Leon's own. He was knocked instantly down to his knees.

Before Leon could recover Mendez reached down and wrapped a massive hand around the green herb tapped to his forehead. Leon's eyes grew wide as he shook his head back and forth. "No no no.. please."

RIP!

"AIEE!" With the herb and the tape came roughly half of Leon's head of hair, big clumps of perfectly trimmed yellow dangling helplessly from the forcefully removed duct tape.

"You bastard!" Leon held back tears, holding his head in shame. A look of anger soon consuming his face. "I didn't want to have to do this, but you left me no CHOICE!"

Mendez threw another punch, a massive left hook, but missed entirely when Leon ducked and swung around behind him. Quickly, Leon wrapped his arms around Mendez' massive torso (it was nearly impossible, but somehow he managed.) "SUUUPLLEEX!"

Leon lifted with all his might, trying to take the man off his feet… but to no avail. In a fit of huffs lean attempted to lift him again. "SUUU! HRG!" Sweat was now dripping down his face, this man heavy beyond belief. Still, he tried a third time. "SUU! HRG! SUUUU! HHRRRGGGHH! SUU--"

Finally, miraculously, even, Leon could feel Mendez' feet lift off the ground. He was doing it! He was lifting the giant of a man into a su--

CRUNCH!

Mendez landed directly on top of Leon.

All that was visible of the poor Government Agent were his arms, which laid sprawled out from under Mendez. "The pain.."

After a while the Chief finally rose to his feet, leaving a broken Leon to lay on the matted grass.

With a slight pat to rid his clothes of dirt, Mendez turned to face Leon on the ground. Again that massive boot was raised, his obvious intent was to stomp Leon to oblivion.

Laying there, broken, beaten and missing half of his hair Leon had only one option left. So, looking up into the sky Leon said aloud. "Help.."

"Where you're going, no one can help you." The foot was just about to come down, when a loud sound suddenly filled the silent air. Mendez looked up, as did Leon.

It was the sound of a helicopter.

"JESUS!" Leon shouted at the top of his lungs, finding the strength to get to his feet. Mendez' lowering his boot in disbelief.

Yes. Flying to Leon's rescue in a gleaming white helicopter was none other than Jesus Christ.

"Use this!" Jesus turned inside the helicopter for a brief moment to pull out a large black box. And with one large swing he threw it.

It slammed next to Leon with a loud thud, dirt and debris kicking up in a small orange cloud around it as the government agent popped open it's top and withdrew a rocket launcher!

"What?" Mendez said aloud, a look of horror crossing the faces of the remaining villagers as Leon lifted the weapon and aimed directly at the Chief's torso.

"You better have life insurance.." Leon said, positioning his aim on the approaching Chief. "because if you do.. You're.. You're about to get a lot of.. A lot of money.. Or.. Or something… You're just gonna die!"

The rocket was shot. A large cloud of smoke traveling behind it as it flew directly at it's target and hit.

BOOM!

A huge earth-shattering explosion rocked the area, sending Leon off his feet and scaring the villagers enough to make them turn and get the hell out of there. Soon, however the shaking stopped and all that was there was a large brown cloud of dark smoke.

"Yes! Leon: One. Pueblo: NOTHING!"

However, when the smoke cleared what Leon saw was beyond horrific.

The Chief's torso had been blown completely away, leaving only a large spinal column to hold his upper and lower body together. The spine itself had grown, somehow, to the point of where the top part was actually outside of it's body. And the worst part was…

It was still alive.

"JUMPING JESUS!" Leon shrieked, facing away from the advancing monster and futilely attempting to run after the white helicopter.

Leon stopped finally, holding up his hand. "Wait! Don't go!"

But it was too late. Jesus was too far away to hear him.

"No.." Leon's hand dropped to his side.

A finger tapped him on the shoulder.

Leon turned, facing the massive monstrous form of what was Chief Mendez. "AHHH!"

---

"Wake up!" Someone was shaking him violently by the shoulder, slapping him across the face. "Wake up damn you!"

"AHHH!" Leon's eyes shot open, his sweat streaked face shooting left and right in an attempt to find out what the hell was going.

"LEON! Calm down!" Someone was shaking him and, after about another half hour of screaming Leon finally calmed down.

"Finally." The voice said, letting go of Leon's shoulder. He did, however, slap him one last time for good measure.

"Ow!" Leon rubbed his cheek, squinting through the darkness. "What? Barry?"

"Yeah, it's me." Barry titled his head to the side a little. "That must have been one hell of a nightmare.."

"Yeah.." Leon reached up and rubbed his eyes with his right hand, obviously not very eager to detail the events of his dream. "It was horrible! I was hungry so I wanted to go get some bread and then these crazy-ass villagers started to attack me! And worse yet, I ran out of bullets so I had to get all creative and stuff to keep alive! But then this … this guy In a coat tried to sell me this sandwich, and I was still hungry so I bought it! But he over charged me! And and the villagers got their big mean Chief man and he beat me up and took my hair! But then Jesus came in his shiny white helicopter and threw me a rocket launcher and and I shot him and stuff and he blew up, kinda, but he was STILL ALIVE! And I tried to escape but Jesus was too far away to hear me!"

Barry shook his head, wiping the sweat from Leon's forehead with a napkin. "There, there. It's alright, dear. You're safe and sound back in good old Resident Evil Gaiden."

Leon's eyes widened like saucers. "WHAT! NOOOOO!"

---

The End…?


End file.
